"Sacked / Minted"

"Yes - I've been relieved of my day job and frankly I couldn't care two hoots. Or even one, for that matter. Now that I've worked my way into the country's affections - or in a few cases, seem to have turned people against me, something I really don't understand - I think bigger and brighter things must surely be on the horizon."

"Or if not bigger and brighter things then at least a shit load of cash and access to some testosteroney alpha-male business leaders for me to attach myself to like a Sloaney parasite. Ha Ha!"

"OK, so I wasn't earning £90,000 a year really, but you know, you have to tell a few fibs to make a few quid these days - I was only doing what's best for my family (if not anyone else's...) Everyone knows that you never start earning real money until you give the impression that you're absolutely minted."

Interviewer: "So, would you say you're absolutely minted yet?"

"Well - not absolutely minted but certainly a half pack of Polos and well on the way to a bumper pack of After Eights..."

"Rah!"

Mission accomplished

"Is it credible that I would spend '11 weeks' debasing myself alongside these plebeians and middle-brow low-achievers only to realise at the very end that I couldn't commit to the job?"

"Well, er, frankly - yes!"

"I mean look at the completely plausible expression of sincerity I mustered on the BBC breakfast show, when I averred that, 'I went there to win the apprentice. I went to work for Sir Alan and that's what I wanted'.

"You'll notice I used the word, 'aver' there. That's a word that clever people like me use to say, erm, 'say'."


"Anyway. Mission accomplished. Does anyone have Max Clifford's number?"