"Northerners!"

"Some people suggest I have been a little harsh in my observations about Northerners. Let me be absolutely clear - I bear no ill-will towards Northerners, so long as they don't venture away from their hovels in the North."

"Cloth caps, clogs, whippets, black puddings and the like are all well and good so long as they never appear on the streets of Budleigh Salterton. There again, I might consider having one of those Northern chappies placed in the stocks to be pelted with the discarded fruit from the Pimm's jugs at our summer fête."

"Summer fête over and the fruit-bespattered Northerner dispatched back to his benighted province, I'll probably slip away to romp in a meadow with my best friend's husband. Or, son, perhaps."

"'Fruit-bespattered'. Gosh! How awfully clever and colourful is my use of language..."

"Rah!"

"Well, how frightfully cheeky!"

Honestly! I'm really rather baffled by the level of vitriol my appearance on 'The Apprentice' has provoked.