"Oh My Word!" You're thinking - "Sir Alan chose a puppy!"
"Now, don't be cheeky and say he got rid of a dog last week! And no I don't have my (or any) tail between my legs, nor am I clearly as barking as some imagine..."
Interviewer: "Bitch?"
"Yes?"
"Oh - I see...Anyway, the more observant of you will have spotted from last week's teaser that Sir Alan nodded over to his right when he uttered his 'You're Hired! - the quick-fingered spread-betters amongst you may even have made a tidy profit from that observation as the teams filed into the boardroom this week."
"The look of melting, avuncular pride on Sir Alan's face as he hired Simon, was almost as priceless as Simon's simpleton-canine yelping as he took the news. Nowhere near as malevolently satisfying as the crushed 'Oh-Bollocks-I'm-So-Past-It-and-This Was-My-Last-Chance' sidelong rictus of Kristina at the very same moment..."
"So, a puppy it is for Sir Alan. I wager there'll be a fair few poo-poos on the boardroom carpet before long."
"Anyway, we all know who the real winner of this series is and I'm off for a fag and a bottle of sherry..."
"No! Not Simon!"
The Finale / "Spunk and Balls"
So, the finale - or should I say anti-climax (no that's not something rude involving your parents' sisters) - this evening.
Of course, I already know which of The Incapables (as I like to call them) has won and I'll give nothing away, but will say that neither the über-orange Kristina or that feckless mummy's boy, Simon, strike me as deserving of anything beyond middle-management obscurity. They simply lack the spunk and balls required to really make it in business. I know all about spunk and balls - having both in abundance.
Will I watch the show with any regret, troubling myself that I made my exit a week too early, that I was hoist by my own petard?
Hardly.
When Simon is back where he belongs - pretending to be an internet whiz, but surfing for smut all day long no doubt as his mortgage-payers snooze on his sofa - and Kristina implodes under the strain of life well outside her league, I'll probably be signing my latest contract with Sky One - probably the only station who can afford me.
Rah!